I am writing this letter to bring to your notice the sheer lack of commas and full stops in your work. As you must be knowing, I have just received an extensive feedback from the mock interview that I had given a few days before. The feedback was not too bad, considering how in your previous letter you had indicated that you were gradually moving towards size zero and that your new diet had helped in significantly reducing the grey matter. I have been pretty understanding of your needs and demands and all through my gap year I have tried to give you atleast 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep. But we really must do something about this. WHY IS IT THAT WHEN I SPEAK, THERE IS A BLATANT LACK OF PAUSES?
Oh! I know that in my last letter, I had thanked you for overtaxing yourself at the Oxbridge interview and being really prompt with the answers. After all, you hadn’t given me one moment of “ummm” and “aahs”. So quick and all. But times change and now I want you to fake some commas and semi colons when you make a speech for me. Interview invites from med schools are really hard to get. I am standing at the moment, between one rejection and one invite, now it is upto you to decide if you would like to ace the interview and start afresh at med school, with real people and real cadavers or you would rather be stuck here , writing blog posts to yourself. The choice from where I stand doesn’t seem too hard.
So what makes you want to speak uninterrupted. Is it the understanding that the moment you pause, the person in front is going to run away? Now, don’t say you have too much to talk about, swear on the brain stem, we both know how badly boring we are. I have coined a few novel ways for you to slow down the train of thoughts, have a look…
a. The moment you enter in the interview, fix your gaze on the interviewer’s nose or perhaps the mole on his cheek and try to think about it before you give any answer. For instance, if he/she asks “Why do you want to study at our Uni?” how about thinking ” Geez, such a great example of Problem based learning, the interviewer’s nose is the perfect case study for Rhinoplasty gone wrong. If this is the first day, how good would the 5 year span be?”. Don’t worry, there are not going to give you a spotless, radiant interviewer and both of us know that they are going to find truckloads of flaws in you during the interview, how hard would it be to find one in them?.
b. Okay maybe the first point wasn’t too ethical, so how about this. Before you answer any question think of how few your blogpost readers are, that will definitely take away the excess enthusiasm from you and you can focus on one word at a time.
c. Remember, how I begged you to learn to power sleep. The kind where you can sleep for snatches of 5 minutes with your eyes open. Oh, how badly I had wanted you to do that whilst in Organic chem classes, now repent. Don’t you dare try this there, the worst we can do is to sleep through the 1 interview we have.
d. Always remember that your parents have been secretly looking for ways to slow you down. I have the weird feeling that they have even found a novel surgical procedure in which they put a staple in your brain like as in Gastric Bypass surgery, I am sure they believe this will improve your speaking skills. Can you blame them? no buddy, we know how bad it is to live with us.
e. Now let me remind you of some dire consequences. What’s the worst that could happen? No med school this year. Okay, now imagine having to give the UKCAT, BMAT again. How about writing another personal statement. Now you get it. That’s why I am begging you to slow down.
Think about it, dear brain. I am definitely not your enemy, not the one you should be afraid of atleast. Try probing in your anatomy, morphology, physiology. Get me a way of speaking slowly. You know how badly we need it.
I understand that this is going to be hard for you, but trust me, if you don’t help me I could make it worse. How about enrolling in some mathematics course? How about staying awake the whole night, with cup after cup of caffeine? How about stopping all the food that keeps you fresh, no almonds, no walnut.. …
I believe you must have already found some cure for this problem of ours. Send me a detailed letter. Looking forward to it.
P.s- Don’t worry, my brain does not reply through this blog. You are safe no more ranting communications.