How to brush your teeth when at Heathrow Airport.

* This post should ideally have been posted about 2 days ago, when I actually had to brush at Heathrow, but never mind here it is now*

My flight from India was an “Overnight” flight (No, no do not get me started about the idiotic time zone thing, I cannot for the world of it figure out how I start in the morning from India and land here at noon, see the flight is an 8 hour thing and so the confusion, never mind, I slept through it, woke up with a bad breath and so it had to be overnight)

STEPS TO SUCCESSFULLY BRUSHING YOUR TEETH (SPECIALLY FOR NON-WHITE PEOPLE)

1. Now when the day dawns bright, the airhostesses hand over a one-time use toothbrush and toothpaste tube to every passenger and they spray some fragrance in the flight to ensure that bad breath from one passenger does not kill the other (however, they are quite subtle about it, they say it is according to WHO regulations and stuff like that and rightly so, for I did not pay them to say that my bad breath is fatal)

2. So, ideally you should brush your teeth in the flight before you land in Her Majesty’s Land but usually there is a long line of people with small bladders waiting for a chance to meet the aircraft toilet. The scene is just like kids waiting in queue for Santa Claus, the one evident difference- people leave gifts for the aircraft toilet and not the other way around. So after one person deposits their gift there, you would rather let the toilet have some alone time with it than disturb it.

3.Right if you are an incoming visa holding fellow from another country like me, you will be interrogated by a strict fellow at the airport asking for reasons why you want to enter the country, see they do not have any faith in the fact that their land is worth a visit so one needs to have the right reasons and the right appearance to impress them. A brown skin with bad breath isn’t the right combo at all so make sure to brush your teeth in the toilet at the airport as soon as you land.

4. Now you are in the toilet, you shall find atleast 1 skinny girl/muscular boy, 1 middle aged person who feigns ignorance but yet scrutinises your every move and 1 old lady/man who trust me is the one who you have to work your way through. Now in my case I had a lady who was putting on makeup, she had white skin and yellow teeth while I had yellow skin and white teeth, but still I was the one getting the “look”. See the right order of colours is really important. Trust me, those people are really not going to like the fact that you are brushing your Asian teeth while Asian saliva flows through your mouth. So it is really important to follow the next step.

5.So there are 2 ways I have mastered over the years.

a. the “I-DON’T-CARE-A-BIT” THING- let the foam roll, do the brushing and leave the lump of toothpaste in the basin, you don’t care do you?

b. the Better way- how about closing the toothbrush in the mouth and turning towards the wall, never make eye contact with the other people, rinse your mouth as soon as the smell of last night’s dinner is out of the way and never think about packing the cute little bottle of toothpaste in your bag, even if there is another dose left in it for tomorrow, in Rome do as Rome does, make waste, throw waste.

6. So now finish the brushing, take your luggage and go right out. Never turn around and this is me telling you from experience, if you do, you are not going to like the “look”.
So now you have successfully brushed at Heathrow and you are ready to face your interrogator and even if you are deported back or at the least even if you face a grilling encounter, hold your head high, you have brushed at Heathrow and How!

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