In India robbery is a day to day thing, like taking a bath maybe. Just as rare for a poor man living in a water scarce area and just as abundant for a rich man, who indulges in spas. Earlier thieves would come over as house guests and would use the locker to retrieve what they thought was of value to them, whilst you snored in the bedroom. Nowadays, thieves, who are considerate people realise that the working class have very little time to rest at home and so robbery too has the option of being “express robbed”. Like the ease of using the ATM to draw money rather than going to the bank. One has the option of being robbed off jewellery on the roads, all while you shop. Plain, quick and simple.
An open letter to the man who is going to snatch my gold chain/diamond earring.
I have come from a distant part of India and am currently vacationing at my grandparent’s place, or to put it better I am currently a guest in your jurisdiction of thievery. My grandfather speaks highly about you. He has warned each one of us and has specifically asked us to remove all gold articles of show like earrings, necklaces and rings before going out. He told me about your unique style of snatching wherein you cut the entire ear in one go, what impressed me even more was that all this you have to do in a matter of a few seconds and then you flee on your motorbike. What a noble profession you have, honourable sir. I have often wondered how women roam around with kilos of gold on their body, so burdening it must be and you sir relieve them of this burden. Your place is fixed in heaven.
I understand that I have no idea of your modus operandi. I do not know whether you work alone or as a part of a team. What I do know is that you have impeccable skills, the combo of a goldsmith and a runner. How unfortunate that you are called a thief.
I must thank you sir, for ensuring work for petty doctors. You feed the starving medics in this town. Had it not been for you, who would have a bleeding ear and a scarred soul due to the lack of pounds of jewellery?
And then sir, you propagate the values of exercise on good health. Little kids all over the town, know how you have amassed so much wealth. Snatch and run, for a good health and wealth. Just the right message for tiny tots.
I have not written this letter just to flatter you sir. I have something to enquire actually. I wanted to know the mechanism of earring snatching. When you grab the earring, do you just pull and the injury inflicted on the ear is coincidental or do you have a pair of scissors handy to cut the ear with earring and all?
Sir, I would like to state that I am yet to be married. It would be better if you could just snatch my earring rather than cutting. This is because.
- I have a recurrent ear infection, if you take my ear along with you. It may just pollute the other ears you have in your collection. (Dear sir, do you sell the surplus ear to medical schools or do you have some collecting fetish?)
- Also, sir it will be very difficult for me to find a groom with just one ear. It could delay and even destroy my prospect of getting married. Sir, I assure you that if you leave my ear intact, I will invite you to my wedding. Indian weddings as you know are the ultimate occasion for show off, I am sure you will find plenty of gold and diamonds available for snatching there. See, sir I shall help you if you help me.
Also, have you ever been to the theatre? Have you ever had the chance to look at a movie’s teaser, one which is rich with drama, action and romance. Doesn’t it incite the feeling that the movie would also be just as lavish considering the exciting introduction it has? But when you actually go to see the film, you realise how wrong you were, the movie turns out to be dull and boring. Sir, my gold chain and diamond earrings are but mere exciting teasers, to give the impression that my life as a film dabbles with golden drama. Believe me, my life is just as boring as the film we were talking about, no gold sir, and diamonds even talking about them is expensive for me. why would you rob a girl of the one good teaser she has in her life?
Sir, since we have become so close now, I want to warn you that if you meet me, I will be wearing a huge diamond and gold earring. I know you will be tempted. But please sir, let good sense prevail. You should wonder, how can a little girl wear such a huge earring in my jurisdiction? Haven’t her parents told her about me? And then sir, you shall have the answer. Why the earring is fake! Do not waste your time over it. My cousin, though I shall get her to wear the biggest diamond of her collection. That you must take. My parents are poor, plus sir I shall be going to the distant land of the Queen, I need all the money I have but she, don’t ask! Too much money her parents have, that you deserve. I pray sir, take it with you.
I am glad we got a chance to talk. How brief the encounter would be on the streets. I hope you have a bright “golden” future ahead.
Looking forward to hearing more from you,
The girl with two ears and no money and fake jewellery.